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If I don’t complete this test, then I don’t graduate. It’s fair. It’s simple.

But how am I supposed to do that when I see him raping me when I close my eyes 60% of the time. I feel like I’m dying and something Awful is going to happen, something Really, Truly Awful so….

when that happens, making a fucking cake isn’t that important 

but it is because it’s the step I desperately NEED to move on with my life and I deserve it. 

Okay? I worked harder than I ever have in my entire life to learn skills I’m a bit inept at for six months, and I deserve to graduate.

But then I flashback and dissociate and I just can’t.

And if I can’t do a simple exam  how am I going to make it in this industry or in any industry?

Is my mind going to sabatoge me every time I’m on the brink of some success?  I don’t want this to be my life.

I met A around this time. I’m just…unnerved. And I keep going back to Iowa in my head wondering what I could have done to protect myself from him and then I’m back into his dirty, bare matteress with tearing skin and

I am not that girl anymore. I am not that person who runs sobbing from classrooms.  I am not that trainwreck. I don’t see him when I shut my eyes.

But I’m acting like it.  I’m crying and to be perfectly honest suicidal thoughts are in my head and I’m back in Iowa.

And I called my therapist. I’ve talked to her. She’s not helpful. My psych and I are playing phone tag but my GP gave me clonapin and all I can think about is the doctor in Iowa tell me if I really wanted to kill myself I should try asprin and I have that in my drawer, don’t I?

I should just take this test.

I know how to do it. I know this. Breads was my favorite section. I love this.

But I feel the floor is crumbling again but it’s NOT.

I want it to stop.

knowledgeequalsblackpower:

james-bliss:

Columbia University scientist Carl Hart combines research and anecdotes from his life to explain how false assumptions have created a disastrous drug policy.

[Kristen Gynne]:How does institutional racism affect policy? In your book, you talk about how crack, which is pharmacologically almost identical to cocaine, is punished with an 18-1 (and once 100-1) sentencing disparity because of racially coded language linking the “crack scourge” to bad behavior in poor, black communities. There was also a recent ACLU report, which found that blacks are an average of four times more likely to be arrested for pot than whites.

[Carl Hart]: ‘I often testify as an expert witness to help women who have used marijuana while pregnant to keep their children. Case after case is a black woman. Security in the court is all black; the judges are all white; and the lawyers are young and white, building careers. It’s just slavery all over again.  

When you have a group that’s already identified as an “other,” or a villified group that is a minority, it’s easier to associate a behavior with them. But people don’t see black people as being fully human. That’s what happens in the US, although people won’t tell you that.

Because when we think about Trayvon Martin, when we think about Ramarley Graham, Sean Bell, these black kids who were killed at the hands of some security or law enforcement person—that almost never happens with white kids. If it did, it would be a national crises. But it’s not a national crises because we really don’t value black men and boys in the same way we value white boys and men. We don’t see them as being equal.

I look at how people behave, and it’s clear. As long as you view this group that way, you can continue to put large percentage of law enforcement resources in those communities, but not so much to make them better. If you want to make it better, you give people jobs. Instead, we put police in those communities to pretend that they care, to pretend that you’re doing something. But that’s not helping. 

Whereas drug reactions are predictable, interactions with police are not and too often become deadly. As a parent of a black youth, I’d much rather my kids interact with drugs than law enforcement. White people don’t need to think about that. Police officers too often see young, black boys as less than human. It creates a mentality where black kids are supposed to “know your place,” and it affects your psyche. Indignities become part of who you are.’

^^^^^^^^^^^^ THIS whole entire thing!

jackmarlowe:

shayvaalski:

friendlycloud:

agewa:

“We went to Kineshma, that’s in Ivanovo region, to visit his parents. I went as a heroine and I never expected someone to welcome me, a front-line girl, like that. We’ve gone through so much, we’ve saved lives, lifes of mothers, wives. And then… I heard accusations, I was bad-mouthed. Before that I’ve only ever been “dear sister”… We had tea and my husband’s mother took him aside and started crying: “Who did you marry? A front-line girl… You have two younger sisters. Who’s going to marry them now?” When I think back to that moment I feel tears welling up. Imagine: I had a record, I loved it a lot. There was a song, it said: you have the right to wear the best shoes. That was about a front-line girl. I had it playing, and [his?] elder sister came up and broke it apart, saying: you have no rights. They destroyed all my photos from the war… We, front-line girls, went through so much during hte war… and then we had another war. Another terrible war. The men left us, they didn’t cover our backs. Not like at the front.” from С.Алексеевич “У войны не женское лицо”

In Soviet Union women participating in WWII were erased from history, remaining as the occasional anecdote of a female sniper or simply as medical staff or, at best, radio specialists. The word “front-line girl” (frontovichka) became a terrible insult, synonimous to “whore”. Hundreds thousand of girls who went to war to protect their homeland with their very lives, who came back injured or disabled, with medals for valor, had to hide it to protect themselves from public scorn. 

This has always happened in history: Women do something important. Then they get shamed for it (so nobody will talk about it) and it gets erased from history.

And then certain men will say: “Women suck, they’ve never done anything important.”

Look into history and learn that women have played a far greater role then douches (present and past) wanted you to know.

Hey Will (and Jack) I got you something.

Sweet thing.

occupiedmuslim:

I live in a country generally assumed to be a dictatorship. One of the Arab spring countries. I have lived through curfews and have seen the outcomes of the sort of surveillance now being revealed in the US. People here talking about curfews aren’t realizing what that…

her-roaring-twenties:

“Just” a dandelion?? Roses are (imo) over rated flowers that are meant to symbolize an exhausted endearment. They are the apologies after a break up, the bandaids for a bad situation. Dandelions are everything; my mom will legit stop the car in the middle of the road to pick dandelions and make wishes. If you are a dandelion, you are literally another person’s hopes and dreams. You are not “just” a dandelion. You’re a mother fucking dandelion.   

petrograd1:

theoryofablackbird:

I’ve had three terrible panic attacks before my exams to the point where I cannot complete them.

I cannot calm down. I vaguely recognize why I am having them. But I don’t know what to do.

I am so angry at myself. Apocalyptic I’m so fucking close to graduating. A week a way. But I’m not sure I…

Have you tried talking to your school about getting your exams in a special way? Maybe it’d be less stressful if you could write along without other students, and/or if you get to choose a time span to start (say between 8 am and 10 am, and you can show up whenever within that time frame).

Also remember to use your mental tools for calming yourself down when you can. I’d bring manga and an mp3-player to keep myself as calm as possible before the exam.

I puked during exams a couple of times but it felt ok for me since there were no other students present.

Also don’t be angry with yourself. You’re trying, and that’s what you can do. Sometimes things don’t go as planned, but since you’re still trying you still have reason to be proud of yourself.

Thank you very much for the help.

I will definitely talk to my administrators. The only problem is that I’m currently in pastry school, ad it’s not so much as a sit down and take a test thing, but “this has to be in the oven at this time, and all these products have to be made at these specific times” thing. It has not been a problem until this examination period.

I will see if I can bring in a sensory box.

writeswrongs:

White people are always ready to confront poc when they have a mask on

Let a white man attack us without a hood on

Let a white man give us a name and address before he tries to form the klan

White man without his mask shits himself at the sight of us

And yes, you being a racist on anon

is the same thing as wearing a white hood

only matter of time before someone rips off your sheet and expose you for what you really are

non-volerli-vittime:

PSA: When someone has a “mental breakdown” or “spirals out of control” for a few days, it’s a health issue, not a “scandal” for you to rave about. Judging someone solely on things they did or said while experiencing a breakdown is pretty much like judging someone solely on the fact that they threw up in public when they had the flu.